I'm Sorry I Hurt You
by KarenBCN
Summary: After Desire. Alex finds out that Addison is gone. Probably a 2chapter story.
1. Chapter 1

Addison glanced down at the directions. Second street on the right. She'd been here several times, but she'd never driven. She hadn't needed to have a car, because she'd spent only three or four days. But this time . . . this time she'd be here longer. Much longer.

Addison parked in front of the brick house with the small pond and bridge she remembered. Pausing to take a deep breath, she opened her door and then headed up the sidewalk.

"Addison!" Naomi tore the door open even before the reverberations of the doorbell had died.

"Hi, Naomi—sorry about the short notice." Addison returned her friend's enthusiastic hug.

"You know you're welcome any time—even with _no_ notice." She drew back to look at Addison. "Did you get a few days off at the last minute?"

"Something like that."

Naomi looked more carefully into the other woman's too bright eyes. "Addy? What's wrong? What's happened?"

"Nothing." Addison tried to smile, but tears filled her eyes. Unable to keep them from spilling out, she fell into her friend's arms, her sobs heartbreaking in their intensity.

"How're you doing today?" Alex asked Ava, looking at her chart.

"Fine. How about you?"

"Fine." He glanced up, noting her serious expression. "Is something wrong?"

"Not with _me_."

He cocked his head. "Is that supposed to mean something?"

"How do you feel about the redhead leaving?"

"What are you talking about?"

"The redhead. My doctor. Your . . . whatever. Leaving. Gone."

He frowned. "What do you mean, 'gone'?"

"You mean you didn't know she resigned?"

His mouth fell open. "Resigned? Addison resigned? How do you know?"

"I told you—I know everything. Another doctor came in this morning and told me he was my new doctor. He told me Dr. Montgomery had resigned."

Alex dropped into a chair. "She resigned?"

"Yeah, I think we've established that." She watched his face. "I guess you blew your chance with her, huh?"

Alex didn't reply, holding his head in his hands. In the five days since they'd had sex in the supply closet, both he and Addison had acted as if nothing had happened. She hadn't avoided him like she had after their kiss at Joe's, and she'd let him scrub in on all her surgeries. He'd been constantly tempted to pull her into another supply closet . . . or on-call room . . . or elevator . . . or bathroom . . . In fact, all he'd been able to think about was the amazing sex they'd had. It had been hot and fast, but he'd no sooner left the closet than he'd begun thinking about how he'd like to kiss her slowly and savor the softness and sweetness of her mouth, caress her and watch her response to his touch. But after learning from Ava that Addison had been fantasizing about him in an apron standing in front of a grill, he'd tamped down on his own fantasies. He'd gone back to focusing on hot, fast sex. And that was why he'd told her she wasn't his girlfriend. The truth was that he could have handled "girlfriend"; it was "wife" that he had a problem with.

"Alex?"

He raised his head, his face bleak. "Yeah?"

"What did you do?"

He gazed at her for a moment before looking away. "We had sex in a supply closet. And then later, when she invited me to her hotel room and offered to help me study, I told her she wasn't my girlfriend."

"You pig!"

Alex was shocked by the venom in her voice. "I told you—"

"Do you have any idea how much that must have hurt her? She's your boss, but she wants you so much that she put herself out there and had sex with you. And it wasn't just sex, Alex—not for her. She really likes you. I didn't think it would be just sex for you, either." She turned her face away. "I guess I was wrong about you."

Her words released all the feelings he'd had neatly tied up and put away. He'd known what a chance Addison had been taking by initiating sex with him. She might be hot for him, but that kiss at Joe's had been tender and caring. Twice she'd shown him how she felt about him; twice he'd rejected her even though he knew how badly Sloan and Shepherd had hurt her; he'd rejected her even though he knew he'd been sending her mixed signals; he'd rejected her even though he'd wanted her. Why couldn't he have been honest with her? Why couldn't he have told her that he was very attracted to her but was afraid of commitment? No, he'd had sex with her and a couple of hours later turned down her offer to help him with the words "you're not my girlfriend." He'd seen the pain on her face; he'd known how deeply he'd hurt her, but he'd buried that knowledge along with the fantasies about taking his time with her. He'd ignored the knowledge that he'd wounded his boss, his teacher, the woman to whom he'd said, "If you went missing, I'd notice."

Groaning, Alex dug his palms into his eyes. "I've really screwed up, Ava. I've _really_ screwed up."


	2. Chapter 2

Alex could barely concentrate during the rest of his shift. He was now feeling something of the pain he'd inflicted on Addison. There was no doubt in his mind that she'd left because of him. He thought about the past five days. It must have cost her a great deal to hide her pain, to pretend nothing had happened between them. Alex, huddled on the floor of a dark supply closet, squeezed his eyes shut, unable to escape the reality that he'd deeply wounded—_intentionally_ wounded—a warm, beautiful woman who'd been kind and caring and pushed him to succeed.

He had to find her. He had to talk to her, to explain. He had to try to repair the damage he'd done.

Sloan was walking by as Alex emerged from the closet. "Hey." When Sloan turned around, Alex asked, "Do you know where Addison went?"

Mark gaped at the young punk who'd stolen Addison from him. With a scoff that could have scorched ice, he turned away.

OK, that had been stupid. The man who'd had 28 days to go when Alex had done Addison in the supply closet was definitely not the person to ask about her whereabouts.

What about Shepherd? Ex-husband. Yeah, right. The chief would know, but Alex shied away from that idea. He was afraid the chief would figure out his role in Addison's departure, and since she was like a daughter to him and fathers tended to be somewhat hostile toward guys who hurt their daughters . . .Surely there was someone else who would know.

He was wandering down the hall thinking when inspiration struck. Turning around, he hurried to Ava's room. "Ava, you have to tell me something."

She looked up. "Hello to you too."

He ignored her sarcasm. "Who would know where Addison went?"

She rolled her eyes. "You seriously don't know who she'd confide in? Don't you pay attention to anything?"

"Ava! You said you know everything. Tell me—please."

She sighed. "The ortho resident. The dark-haired girl who—"

"Thanks." He hurried off to find Callie.

She was getting ready for surgery when he rushed up to her. "Dr. Torres, do you know where Dr. Montgomery is?"

"She resigned."

"Yeah, I know that. But where is she? Where did she go?"

Callie looked at him. "If she'd wanted you to know, she would have told you."

"Please tell me! I have to talk to her!"

Callie's eyes narrowed. Addison hadn't wanted to talk about why she'd resigned so abruptly, but she'd been very upset. "Are you the reason she left? Did you do something to her?"

"Yes." He closed his eyes, swallowing. "Yes, and I have to make it right. Please, Callie—I have to talk to her."

Not sure if she was doing the right thing, she told him to find George and have him get the address out of her purse. Alex ran out of the room, already trying to think of what he was going to say to Addison.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Rest was way overrated, Addison decided as she tossed aside the paperback she'd been reading. When she was operating, she had to give her complete attention to her work. Rest allowed her too much time to think.

Her cheeks still burned every time she thought about how she'd jumped Alex in the supply closet. He'd rejected her once; what had possessed her to seduce him? If it was that her hormones were running amok, Mark would have been more than happy to oblige her. She'd gone to him for that very reason more than once.

But her hormones hadn't been the problem. She hadn't wanted sex; she'd wanted Alex. And ironically, all she'd gotten, in fact, was sex. She hadn't gotten Alex at all.

That thought brought back the memory of his second rejection, and she absolutely couldn't bear that. It still hurt too much. Attempting to force the memory from her mind, she got up and went to pack her gym bag. Naomi had told her that wearing herself out physically was the best way to clear her mind, so she'd joined a gym.

She paused when she heard the doorbell ring. She wasn't up to meeting any of Naomi's friends, so she didn't want to have to walk through the living room on her way out. It seemed silly to go downstairs, out the back door, and around to the driveway, but that was better than having to deal with people.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"Can I help you?" Naomi asked the young man at her door.

"Is Addison here?"

Naomi smiled. "Are you a friend of hers?" Then realization dawned, and her smile vanished. "You're Alex, aren't you?"

He winced. Her expression made it obvious that Addison had told her everything. "Yes. I need to talk to her. Please—is she here?"

"I'll see if she wants to talk to you. Wait here."

Addison was closing the guestroom door behind her when Naomi came down the hall. "Hey, I'm heading for the gym. Need me to pick up anything while I'm out?"

"No." She reached out to squeeze Addison's arm. "Addy, Alex is here."

"_What?_"

"You don't have to see him if you don't want. I'll send him away."

"I-I don't know." Part of her was desperate to see him, and part of her never wanted to see him again.

"Do you want me to tell him to come back later?"

If she sent him away for a few hours, she'd spend that whole time worrying about why he was here. "No. Tell him to have a seat. I need a minute to change."

"Are you going to be OK?"

Addison gave her friend a tremulous smile. "We'll see."

She looked through her clothes for something that would make Alex eat his heart out. She finally decided on a short, tight black skirt and a low-cut green blouse and changed into them. Pulling the clip from her hair and shaking it loose, she looked at herself in the mirror. Why would she be dressed like this in the middle of the day? She'd obviously chosen the outfit because of him.

She almost changed again but then tossed the casual outfit she'd selected onto the bed. She knew she looked good in this outfit, and she needed the confidence.

Alex stood when he saw her. "Addison!" He dashed over to her, intending to sweep her into his arms. But her demeanor stopped him.

"Hello, Alex. How are you?"

He swallowed, not knowing how to deal with the cold front. "Terrible. Can we sit down?"

They sat on the sofa, at least two feet of space between them. "I-I was surprised you resigned." When she didn't respond, he said, "It was because of me, wasn't it?"

She pursed her lips. "I don't think I want to tell you that."

He drew in a deep breath. "I know-I know I screwed up. I just—I didn't . . . didn't want—didn't think . . ." He rubbed his hands across his eyes.

"Well, that certainly clears that up."

He stood up. "This is hard for me."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. The past two weeks have been a party for me."

He opened his eyes to look at her, his eyes traveling from her beautiful, closed face to her cleavage to her silky legs. "You look incredible."

"Yeah, well, we know I don't repulse you physically."

He returned his eyes to hers. "You really aren't going to make this easy for me, are you?"

"Why should I? I don't even know why you're here."

"To apologize."

Her eyes widened. "Apologize?"

"Yeah." He swallowed. "I know I hurt you. I didn't mean to. I mean, actually, yeah, I did, but I didn't mean . . ." He groaned, turning to pace the room. "I've spent hours planning what I want to say to you, but I—my tongue gets all tangled." He raked his fingers through his hair. "Addison, when you invited me to your hotel room to help me study and I said you weren't my girlfriend, I was scared. I was scared out of my wits. I'd been thinking about you for months, and when we had sex, it was incredible, but-but . . ." He looked at her. "I knew you were looking for a commitment, and that terrified me. But instead of telling you that, I became cold, cocky Alex and blew you off. Instead of opening up to the kindest, most compassionate, most amazing woman I've ever known, I pushed you away. I hurt you. I hurt you deliberately to protect myself." He sat down to face her, tears sparkling in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Addison."

Her throat constricted. "Alex, I . . . I . . ."

"It wasn't just sex, Addison. I know I made you think that. I know I made you feel cheap and humiliated and—" He choked on a sob and buried his face in his hands.

Addison scooted close to him, wrapping her arms around him as tears ran down her face. She knew how hard this confession had to have been for him.

Alex slid his arms around her waist, pulling her close. "I'm so sorry, Addy," he murmured into her ear, his tears dripping onto her neck. "I'm so sorry."

The stayed locked in each other's arms until both were able to stop their tears and steady their breathing. Addison pulled back first, kissing his cheek. "Thank you."

He shook his head, taking her hands in his and staring down at them. "You never should have had to go through all that pain. Shepherd ignored you, and Sloan cheated on you, and then I—"

"Stop. You apologized. I accept." She tilted his chin up. "That means you can stop beating yourself up."

"I deserve to be beaten up."

She shook her head. "After I kissed you at Joe's, you told me you weren't interested. I shouldn't have—"

"It was a lie! You were avoiding me, and I didn't know if you regretted it or what. I took the easy way out, as usual." Bitterness tinged his voice. "Instead of finding out if you regretted it, I played it safe and told you I wasn't interested." He looked away. "I haven't been straight with you since that time we almost kissed over the incubator."

She squeezed his hand. "Then be straight with me now."

He nodded, swallowing. "Ava heard you tell Dr. Torres that you wanted a man who barbecues and plays catch with his kids. That absolutely terrified me. I'd been having a hard enough time dealing with my feelings for you—I couldn't even begin to think about children."

She smiled, understanding his fear. The fact that Mark hadn't been the least bit apprehensive about having a child had been a big indication that he had no idea what being a father involved. "I wouldn't have had you looking at wedding invitations in my hotel room, Alex."

"I know. But just knowing that you wanted a serious relationship scared me."

"Because that's not what you want?"

"No. Yes. I don't know." He sighed. "Addison, I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. I think about you all the time. And not just about sex, although—" He blushed, ducking his head.

"Although what?" she asked in amusement.

He squirmed but finally told her, "The only sex I had between the kiss at Joe's and our sex in the closet was the sex I had with you in my head."

Her breath caught. "Seriously?"

He nodded. "Seriously."

She leaned forward to brush her lips over his. "Thank you for that."

He stroked the back of her hands with his thumbs. "Will you come back to Seattle Grace?"

She smiled a bit. "Are you still scared?"

"Yes. But I don't want to lose you, Addison. Not as a friend or a teacher or-or as something else. I do want the something else. I'm just—"

"Scared."

"Yeah."

She sighed. "I stayed at Seattle Grace too long. I wanted to make my marriage work, but I knew Derek's heart wasn't in it. Then Mark came back into the picture, and as nice as it would have been to make it work with him, I knew he wasn't husband material. And then I fell for an intern." She smiled sadly. "We're at different points in our lives, Alex. I really do think you're husband material, but _you_ don't know that yet. And I can't rush you—that wouldn't be fair. Quite honestly, if all this hadn't happened the way it did, I'd wait for you."

His head jerked up. "You would?"

"Yes. I'm not just looking for someone to plug into the husband-and-father role. I want someone I can love with my whole heart. I want someone who's going to put me before everything, even his career. And once you're ready to give your heart away, that's how you'll be."

"Then—"

"No." She shook her head at the hopefulness in his eyes. "I have a lot of recovering to do. And not just because of you. I should have left when Derek and I divorced. I should never have gotten involved with Mark again. I should have taken some time just to be by myself. I need to be strong again, to learn to be all right without a man." She drew in a deep breath. "I've been offered a position here."

Alex's face fell. "You're taking it."

She nodded. "I'm going to get a fresh start. I'm going to clear my head and set my priorities."

"Are you ever coming back?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I'm going to spend at least a year here and pull myself together. Then I'll review my options again."

He nodded, understanding that an apology couldn't undo all the damage. "Would it be all right if I called you sometimes? To talk about-about work?"

She squeezed his hands. "Give me a few weeks to get settled here and start sorting things out. Two months, OK?"

"OK."

She leaned forward to kiss his lips. "Thank you for apologizing. And for opening up to me. You've taken months off my recovery time."

"Good." He nuzzled her temple. "Maybe you'll come home that much sooner."

Addison felt herself growing hot and pulled away from him, not wanting to start something that they, in a real sense, couldn't finish. She stood, pulling him up with her. "Do you need a ride to the airport?"

"No. I rented a car."

She walked him to the door. "Thank you so much for coming, Alex. You could have called, but you're not the sort of man to do things by half measures. Not once you've made up your mind you're ready to do it."

He smiled, understanding. And then reality hit him full force. He wouldn't be seeing Addison at the hospital any more. She wouldn't be his teacher. When he spent half the night studying a procedure, she wouldn't be in the operating room with him, her pride in him making his heart swell. There would be no more screaming matches when all he could really think about was how hot she was.

Addison watched the emotions play across his face. "Alex?"

"I'm going to miss you," he said hoarsely.

"I'm going to miss you too."

He pulled her into his arms. His lips whispered across hers. This was going to be the kiss he'd fantasized about.

His lips brushed over hers several times before he whisked his tongue along her lower lip. Her mouth opened, but he barely dipped his tongue in, concentrating instead on how full and soft and moist her lips were beneath his. When he at last slid his tongue into her mouth, he stroked hers, memorizing her taste and texture.

Addison whimpered, trembling in his arms. His kiss was arousing in its tenderness, overwhelming in its sweetness. She reached up, cupping the back of his head to try to deepen the kiss, but he refused to be hurried.

When Alex at last drew back, he took in her flushed face, her glazed eyes, her swollen lips. She looked better loved than she had after he'd taken her in the supply closet. He wanted this vision of her imprinted on his memory along with how she tasted and felt.

Addison at last found her voice. "You-you're going to be a tough act to follow."

"I hope I'm going to be an impossible act to follow." He stroked her hair. "Good-bye, Addison. I'm going to try to grow up during the next year."

As she watched him go, she realized a year had just become much longer than it had been an hour ago.


End file.
